With 90% of my appointments are with couples, I have met with many. Different cultural backgrounds. Different ages. Different life experiences. And each couple comes to counselling with different concerns and issues. However, I have noticed some common themes among couples who are struggling to be happy.
The one word that seems to apply to most unhappy relationships is the word FEAR. Think about it for a sec. It's not frustration. It's not anger or disappointment, although those emotions may be present as well. But the foundation is fear.
Fear of failure. Fear of being inferior. Fear of repeating your parents marriage. Fear of divorce. Fear of losing out. Fear of losing control. This list can go on and on.
We behave negatively because of that fear. We may lash out because we are afraid of being controlled by someone else. We may run away from a fight because of our fear of conflict, believing that conflict wil result in physical punishment.
Take a moment right now and think back to a heated argument you had. What was your FEAR in that very moment? Move away all of the chaos and the actual issue that you were fighting about. Think about your behavior. Can you see how it may be fear based? Now knowing what the fear is, what does it tell you about yourself? Can you see that fear manifesting itself at other times in your relationship?