Jan 5, 2018 12:17 PM
Okay, let's break down that title first:
3 Pillars: well, what I think of when I hear the word pillars is one of those old mansions or buildings I see in those small hidden-away towns. Often times they use to be a hospital or clinic or some rich builders' home. In the front there are huge pillars that looks like they are keeping the roof from collapsing. The size and strength of them is recognizable right from the curb.
Secure Functioning: secure = safe, predictable, reliable. Functioning = every day life in a relationship
So, 3 pillars of secure functioning, to me, means 3 strong and useful ways to ensure a safe and reliable relationship
So, what are they? Here it is:
- I am the top priority in YOUR life, and you are in MINE
- We make decisions TOGETHER
- We HELP each other feel better when distressed (even if we are the cause of it!)
These 3 pillars of strength, safety, security and predictability is what holds up marriages during the good times and the bad. Ensuring priorities are straight, respecting each others opinions and feelings when making decisions and being that person that your partner can rely on to help them feel better during stressful times.
I believe if any of these pillars are missing, your roof will come down. Maybe not today. But it will.
Oct 2, 2017 3:11 PM
Your long-term relationship with that guy just ended. It was a horrible experience and you are so glad to be out of there! On to the next one................ but wait! Read this first!
To minimize the risk of landing back into an unhealthy relationship, make sure you do these 3 things:
- Feel it! Go through all the emotions. You know, the anger and the crying and the self-doubting. Do it all. The break up is often compared to losing a loved one through death. There is a healthy process that one must go through in order to heal. So, go ahead and feel everything you feel.
- Take ownership! What was YOUR part in the breakdown? How did YOU contribute to the falling apart of what was suppose to be a "match made in heaven"? Write it down. Got half a page? Keep writing. And write some more. At the end, you should have 2...maybe 3 full pages (and no, not double or triple spaced!) of how your actions, or lack of action, played a part in the breakup. This step is crucial. Don't skip through it in one sitting. This should be a lengthy process, perhaps taking 6 to 12 months or more to complete. Yes, I am serious!
- Find the pattern! This was likely NOT your first break up. And, it is very likely that there is a pattern between this last one and the one before that, and the one before that. What type of person do you seem to be attracted to? And why? What is it about YOU that attracts YOU to this type of relationship? What are your expectations? Your dreams? And why is it that you have always sacraficed your expectations and dreams in order to feel love? If you don't figure out this step, it is very likely that you will end up back in the same situation, just with a different guy.
These 3 steps are healthy and proactive way to heal your wounds and get yourself back up, all dusted off, and ready to take on a more rewarding relationship. These are 3 important steps. Don't overlook it. Don't think you are an exception. Give yourself the time and space to move through these 3 healthy self-care steps. I mean, 3 years after a break up is a healthy chunk of time to do the individual work for a happier, healthier you.
Need help? Give me a shout. I enjoy working with couples with their relationships, marriages and post-relationships.
Aug 21, 2017 11:44 AM
If you have been sleeping on the couch, consider marriage counselling. If you have been wondering what it's like to be on one of those dating websites, consider marriage counselling. If you have told a good friend lately that life totally sucks, absolutely consider marriage counselling!
They say that the average couple waits for 6 years of being unhappy before they consider counselling. 6 years! That's a long time of bickering, fighting, sleeping on the couch and being lonely.
Marriage counselling isn't just for when things are really, really bad. Counselling is great and very helpful for all couples, whether the relationship sucks or not. A tune up or a check-up is often the term used. Premarital counselling for those just starting out can truly help couples face relationship challenges with a much better perspective.
So whether you are 22 or 82, just got engaged or married for half a century, relationship counselling can help improve communication, resolve those annoying conflicts and strengthen the love and bond.
Apr 11, 2017 10:22 AM
Making changes in the way we communicate with our spouses or loved ones is hard. Really hard. In the heat of the moment, we tend to say anything to prove our point.
There are 2 words that we absolutely need to stop using today! Not tomorrow or not next week but eliminate it from our vocabulary starting right now. Using these 2 words will make those arguments even harder to resolve. And could just end up ruining your marriage.
So, what are the 2 words that I speak of? Here they are, and please take note of them: ALWAYS & NEVER.
"You ALWAYS say you are going to be on time, but you NEVER are!". Or, "You NEVER pick up your clothes off the floor!". Or how about this one, "You NEVER tell me I look pretty!"
How often do you use these 2 killer and totally useless words? Think back to your last argument. Did these words come up? I bet it did.
Using words like Always & Never, you are painting an entire wall with one stroke of the brush. Can you honestly say that "never" or "always" is 100% true? It may feel like that, but is it actually factual. By using always and never, you are overlooking the exceptions.
The natural response from a spouse when you use these 2 killer words is to be defensive. Up goes the wall. And you trying to get through that wall now is nearly impossble.
"You NEVER tell me I look pretty!", for example, brings in the entire history of the relationship in one quick sentence. It also takes away from how you feel right now. Today. At that very moment. You never tell me I look pretty, a natural response from the husband may be, "well, why start now!", shouting out of anger. A much more effective way of sharing how you feel and what you need could be something like "I would really like it if you told me sometimes that I look pretty. By you doing that, it makes me feel good and makes me feel like you actually find me attractive".
If ALWAYS and NEVER words are a significant part of your communication with your spouse, come and let's talk. We can practice on using effective communication and listening skills to improve your marriage. Until then, make note of it. Be aware of how often you use these 2 marriage killing words. You might be very surprised.
Mar 7, 2017 3:13 PM
What do you want to be when you grow up? How many times have you been asked that question as an adolescent or young adult? Likely, many times. But how about now? What do you want to be? What do you want to accomplish? Where would you like to go? What hero would you like to meet?
For me, one of my life dreams has always been to walk the streets of New York city! I always wanted to, but never really imagined it ever happening. Couple years ago I had the opportunity to do just that. I jumped at it! I remember finding a parking spot just around the corner from the Empire State Building, getting out of the car filled with excitement and having such a great sense of accomplishment and achievement! There I was. I am in New York City!
Sounds like a useless and fruitless dream, but it was self-rewarding. And having my wife with me to share in my excitement made it even more memorable.
What are your dreams? Do you even know? Do you know your partners dreams?
On the next rainy evening, why not stay in and cuddle up with your partner and talk about life dreams. Ask each other these same questions I am asking you. Write them out. Draw pictures. Talk and laugh. Feel the unity and trust that comes from sharing such intimate and personal feelings.
Jan 12, 2017 1:23 PM
I often have couples come in for the first time, exhausted, stressed, beaten down and worried. Worried that therapy will not work. Worried that this will be a waste of time. That their relationship is destined to fail. No hope.
I expect couples to come for counselling feeling exhausted, stressed, beaten down and worried. Usually we wait until we have almost cracked before getting help. We use counselling as a last resort. So the big question is.. can therapy work? How successful is marriage counselling? Can relationships be saved?
My answer applies to 90% of couples. The answer is YES! But no way in heck if both partners don't give 110%. Marriages are tough. Really, really tough. Throw in some problems, communication chaos, bickering, fighting and the awful "4 horsemen behavior styles" those tough marriages just became even harder!
In therapy, I break things up. Big problems are just a bunch of small ones squished together. Trying to fix the big guy is overwhelming and daunting. But taking it by smaller pieces is a lot more manageable. Communication, commitment and trust is what we need to get the relationship to be built on. So we start with that and move on to how exactly we resolve conflicts, what really must be solved and what can we do to help the other live out their dreams.
But absolutely nothing will change in your marriage if you just rely on the 60 minutes or 90 minutes or whatever time we spend together. It's the hard work that both of you must do in between our weekly sessions. The homework. The assigned tasks. Some of it will be uncomfortable. Some of it will be enjoyable. Either way, it's there to help you and help your relationship.
If you are struggling in your marriage, don't wait until you are totally stressed out or when you feel that living in hell is better then living in your home. Get some unbiased help. Talk with someone who can help you and your partner take responsibility and make the necessary changes to be happy. Trust me, it can be done!