Discernment Counselling.

What is Discernment Counselling?

Are you in a relationship right now where you just don’t know whether you should stay or go? This is what Discernment Counselling is for. It is specifically for couples where one or both partners are “fence sitting”, not knowing whether it’s time to quit or time to reinvest in the relationship. Discernment Counselling is not therapy. Rather, it’s a safe space for each person to share their thoughts and perspectives of the marriage and to explore their options. It is not a time to repair, fix or to learn how to get closer to the partner.

What is NOT Discernment Counselling?

Discernment Counselling is not therapy. It is not a time to repair the relationship or to persuade one partner to recommit. In typical couples counselling we would explore how to emotionally connect, engage and heal all in order to move on and build a stronger relationship with each other. This is not Discernment Counselling.

What is the end goal of Discernment Counselling?

The expectation after completing the few sessions in Discernment Counselling is for the couple to agree on one of three paths:

1. to dissolve the marriage/relationship and begin the process of separation/divorce

2. status quo. Do nothing. Just continue on how things are

3. commit to 6 months of couples therapy to begin the process of repair, with separation off the table

If at the end of Discernment Counselling we choose to commit to 6 months, what happens if I/We don’t feel any difference?

Committing to 6 months of couples therapy is not committing to lifetime marriage with your partner. If not enough changes have been made or you or your partner is no longer invested in the marriage or therapy, then the relationship ends. Again, this is not a commitment for life to your partner. It is 6 months commitment to letting the process of therapy try to heal and repair your relationship.

What is the structure of Discernment Counselling? How many sessions?

Session 1 - 2 hours - 60 minutes together, 50 minutes split between partners, last 10 minutes to wrap up. In this session, the first 60 minutes is history of the relationship, their story. In the individual time, more history but from an individual perspective, your own individual stories and a better understanding of where your stance is: leaning in or leaning out.

Session 2 - 1.5 hours - very brief check-in together (2 minutes tops), 40 minutes each of individual time, 8 minutes at the end to debrief and wrap up. In this session, the 40 minutes each will be further discussions around the different positions - leaning in or leaning out. Exploring feelings, options and learning more of personal ownership that got the relationship to this point. During the last few minutes of debriefing and wrap up, you will share with your partner what you got out of from their separate time with me.

Session 3 - 1.5 hours - same as session 2

Session 4 - 1.5 hours - We stay together for this entire session. We reflect on what has been learned during this process, and a decision is made between the two of you on what path you wish to take. Options are: end the relationship, work on the relationship or status quo, meaning do nothing. You and your partner may choose one more session before making this decision, if needed.