Infidelity. Things To Know.
The majority of couples I work with have experienced what it was like to be cheated on. As you can imagine, anger, resentment, fear, abandonment, deep sadness are all common feelings when one finds out that their loved one has been unfaithful.
Here are some random facts about affairs and how counselling can help.
Most Common Times Affairs Takes Place
during a job change or transition
suddenly having to travel for work
right after pregnancy or birth of a first child
mid-life crisis
empty nesters
after the death of an in-law
The Length Of An Affair
in my experience most affairs last between several months and a few years. Rarely are they “one night stands”.
Do Couples Stay Together Or Do They Divorce?
most affairs do not end marriages, at least that has been my experience. Without therapy, couples will work to move forward in the marriage thinking they can sweep it under the carpet. The damage of being cheated on will not go away without proper guidance. Even years later couples suffer from the mistrust and feeling of insecurity and shame.
How Do Couples Work Through Affairs In Counselling?
through therapy, we separate the affair from the marriage. We work on the affair piece first. Sessions will include very difficult conversations for couples, taking ownership and creating boundaries. There are 3 stages of repair from affairs, each stage takes time to go through, several months each. These steps are crucial for couples to be fully engaged in it. Many couples will in fact take time off work or remove other stressors so that they can concentrate fully on the damaged marriage.
While working on the affair, we will slowly begin work on the marriage. Asking tough questions like what led up to the affair? What was missing? Why was there a communication breakdown? What strengths does the marriage have?
The final piece in working with couples through an affair is helping them both decide whether or not to continue in the marriage or leave. Very specific questions are asked that will help couples in making such important decisions.
What Causes Counselling Not To Be Successful In Repairing A Marriage After An Affair?
lack of ownership and responsibility
refusing to answer questions fully without an attitude
refusing to create boundaries, such as changing phone numbers, changing work positions
not ending the affair relationship
forgiving too quickly
If you have just learned that your partner cheated, or if you are the cheating partner, counselling is needed sooner than later. Reach out to myself or any other relationship-focused therapist for help.