3 Modes You Can Choose To Be In During A Conflict

Written By Paul Lucas

Adversarial Mode

  • attack/defend

  • nervous system activated

  • working against your partner

  • criticism, contempt, defensiveness, withdrawal (4 horsemen, Gottman)

Admitting Mode

  • willing to accept responsibility that contributed to the conflict

  • admitting mistakes

  • apologizing

Collaborative Mode

  • work together to find suitable solutions

  • express feelings without attacking

  • provide safety, compassion and support

  • actively working towards compromise and repair

These 3 modes were created by Dan Wile. Which mode do you find yourself in most of the time? What can you do to move to the Collaborative Mode instead of staying in the Adversarial Mode?

Paul Lucas
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