How Long Should I Wait?

So your long term relationship has ended. You finished celebrating the signing of the divorce papers and now ready to move on. You will live your dreams, reach for the stars and be happier than you ever been, right? You created a new social media page for yourself, started up on a couple dating sites and ready to get yourself out there.

Hold on!

You just got out of a relationship. Are you ready to get back into one? How much time should pass before hooking yourself back up again? How long should you wait?

You have a bunch of homework to do before you put on that dress… or the shirt and tie… and mingle around for a date.

To create the best version of yourself, you need to do some work on what actually happened in your failed relationship. What did you experience? How did you experience it? And what did that experience do to you? You can’t blame your ex for everything. There has to be some ownership on your part too. What are you feeling now towards them? What are you feeling about all the time that you spent in that relationship? And what exactly is it that you need now in a new relationship? How will the next one be any different from what you have already experienced?

There are 3 stages of homework that you need to go through in order to create a best version of you. Believe me, your new partner will want this!

First Step: Allowing yourself to feel the feelings. Your relationship just ended. You hate them for what they did to you. You are sad. You miss the good times. You are anxious to be alone, scared that nobody else will want you. You are feel remorseful for how you had treated them. You may feel all these feelings all in the same day, back and forth. The homework here is to feel all these feelings, no avoiding, no minimizing, no pushing it off to the side. Journaling as you go through this stage can be very helpful.

Second Step: After allowing yourself to feel the pain, the hurt, the anger, the sadness, the excitement and relief, you need to do some homework around personal ownership. What actually happened in that failed relationship? What part can you own? How was your communication? Were you a critical partner? Were you quick to anger or become defensive? Did you give up? Did you lack boundaries? You need to do this homework so you can learn from your experience, otherwise you will be back in the same spot again.

Third Step: Figuring out what you want and need. So in the first step you gave yourself permission to feel all the feelings. Second step you looked at your part in the breakdown of the relationship. This third step is figuring out what it is that you actually want and, more importantly, need in a relationship. What triggers you? What motivates you? Individual therapy can be extremely beneficial in any of these steps, but most importantly this last step.

So then the question is, how long does each step take? Are you ready for the answer? You better sit down for this! I suggest one year for each step. Imagine giving yourself this time to work on you! Three years to transition from a long term relationship that ended to a new, fresh relationship.

Here’s the thing. These steps has to happen no matter what. If you jump into another relationship you still have to go through these 3 steps, it just becomes much harder when you are already in a new relationship. So, slow down… take your time. You deserve a fresh start, so make it a fresh start!

Happy dating!